I keep going to blog but stopping myself with loops of self-doubt. Worse, blogging isn't the only area of life this happens. Fear grips me and I don't act; I don't try new, scary things.
* Casual conversations: I don't open up to people, preferring to stick to boring routines. While I'm pretending life is good and giving bland, detail-free descriptions of my weekends, I'm silently turning over the sad thought: who would want to listen to my worries and fears?
* Meeting new friends, and catching up with old friends: I don't make the required effort to break through others' barriers and connect with them. Then I get depressed that my circle of friends is shrinking as I age, and I've no-one to go out with on Saturday night.
* Joining sports clubs: Years ago, I convinced myself I'd join a soccer club. It was going to be great. But then I got tangled in loops of self-doubt, thinking silly things like "all the clubs would be full" and "the season probably already started". I never even called a club to find out.
* Blogging: I'm always having "interesting blogging ideas" but never actually going and posting them. Hence the blog goes for months without any love. (Danya I'm glad you don't own a gun.)
* Facebook: I never make time to upload photos or keep in touch with people. I've still got the same photo I had when Bec created my account. My "invites" page is riddled with hundreds of stale invites to the effect of "X would like to invite you to play 'Pirates vs. Ninjas!'"
* Programming: I don't write code until I am sure I'm doing things the "best" way. All this despite the doctrine of the industry; everything I've learned just doesn't figure. They say, "do one to throw away" and I've seen first-hand that old stuff can be adapted to new requirements surprisingly easily. Yet I have to force myself to do enough work to get stuff working.
Willpower is something I've not cultivated in a while; instead I fall back on habit and excuses.
So I guess I'm having a crisis; I'm in need of some life advice: how does one reverse the power equation and overcome the fear?
Huzzah for publicly (voluntarily!) airing one's own emotional dirty laundry.
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2 comments:
Nothing wrong with airing the dirty laundry love. I could fill several chinese wash houses.
Some advice from an old bird.....little steps honey. Let's start with blogging, seems apt considering that is the sand box we find ourselves in. I had the fear that gripped like a bastard when I first started way back when. I was a stay at home mummy with three little babies who hadn't been in paid employment for years. What on earth would I have to talk about? But we all have something to say, big ideas, little thoughts, quiet asides. I imagined if it wasn't all book worthy and intensely thought out and worried over it wasn't worth it. I completely missed the point. We write to connect. We write to dream. To imagine. To walk down the path of what if and maybe. We write to reach out.
Even this second time round in the blogosphere I have felt the doubt. But you just gotta wade in and keep swinging.
Dive in Rocket, the water is fine.
<small voice>I would, Rocket. I would want to listen to your worries and fears.</small voice>
As to the life advice: I don't have the answers, as is pretty fuqn obvious :), but I'm all in favour of philosophical and practical discussion as we all muddle through in search of serenity. One thing I do know about life -- we're not in it alone. And who'd want to be?
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